Jolene’s Blog

2 days back, I saw this great movie over HBO… it had a different theme about unity, about fighting for your rights, being proud of who you are, racism…etcetera…

The movie touched me in many ways and perhaps one day, I’ll post something about it… J

 

The least important part in the movie was “romantic” love…

I’m not mentioning the movie title but for those observant enough would recognize this line very well…

A happily married couple is at the verge of getting a divorce and the lady says “I love you”… which is quite the common line we all say in times of real need J

What attracted me was the reply the guy gave, “You don’t love me, but rather you love the idea of loving me and having me around”…

This sentence struck me and it dawned on to me how true this is…

Very often, we get so comfortable with someone, and we get attach to them and the very thought of loosing them send’s shiver done our spine…

The thought of them leaving makes your heart race and your world seems to crumble down…

Every good time shared together will be replayed in one’s mind and it digs the pain deeper and deeper…

Sooner or later, the idea fades away, new memories fill in and the love that you felt like dying for isn’t so worth it anymore…

 

Of course, I’m not saying all “true” love is such, but it’s seriously time for one to contemplate on their love life…

Do you love him/her OR the idea of having him/her in your life??

 

tricky one I guess…

 

For in a love relationship, there’s always role playing…

We play roles among each other in the aim of satisfying each other’s needs…

Being that ideal person for the other is not an easy task… instead of human beings, the conceptual mental images are the ones interacting with each other…

The relationship becomes more unauthentic as it tries to be more perfect J

Ironic isn’t it?

You will have a mental image of not only the other person but also of who you are or think you are…

So, conclusion dawns that you are not really relating to that person at all but rather who you think you are is relating to who you think the other person is…

Hahaha… I guess what I’m writing is getting a little bit of a nuisance here J

But read it again (I read it few times and it made sense la)

Bottom line is, no wonder there is so much conflict in relationships…because there is no true relationship…

It’s a game between mind-made identities that are ultimately nothing but fictions…

 

Falling in love is nothing but the ego wanting and needing… (and ya, I’m reading this crazy book about ego and all these ideas are pouring in)…

We get addicted to a person or rather to the image of that person…

It has nothing to do with true love because true love never did and never will exist…

Because in true love, there is no wanting and no needing…

 

It’s never about I need this from you and I want this from you…

And when one makes adjustment in love, the whole role playing starts again (but hey, I read somewhere before that a happy marriage is all about adjusting to one’s needs and not being demanding, its all about give and take, I’m contradicting myself…hahaha…)

Be real and sincere to that someone you love…

Don’t pretend to be happy if you’re not…

And the greatest mistake is, never feel pity in love…

Don’t do nice things and romantic things just because you feel pity for the other person…

Don’t try to make the other person happy only because you pity him/her…

Do it if and only if it makes you happy as well…

Stop pretending… live life to the fullest….

Be simple and sincere…

 

Well, too many theories on love going on…

Above is just my 2 cents on what it’s all about…

 

I’m not an anti love person, I’m just a girl in search of true life

Perhaps one day, my knight with shiny amour will come and sweep my feet of the floor… now, that’s a fairytale we all wanna live in…forever…and ever… and ever…

 

 

There I was, all geared up for my first trip to India…

The plan was good, 1 week in Parthi and another 20 days on a pilgrimage around Tamil Nadu… when I saw the list of temples to be visited, it did shake me… but I thought what the hell… it’s now or never J

 

As we landed in Bangalore, the atmosphere just felt different (in a weird way)… mum and I got out of the airport and phew… the noise pollution was unbearable… everyone is honking, even when there’s no reason to honk, they will honk… it’s like music to their ears… beats me…

 

On to the cab and I already felt like I made a big mistake, I keep telling myself, it’s for Swami that you’re here… and it’s Him that you wanna see… so ignore this physical world and get focused (yeah yeah, it’s easy writing it now, but I remember how much it bothered me then)…

 

We had to travel to Parthi, which is like 4 hours away from Bangalore… and boy oh boy, was the ride bumpy or what…

We crossed into Andhra Pradesh and all I could see was deserts left and right… quite not scary what… and there were these ant castles along the way… huge ant castles and it gave me goose pimples just staring at it…

 

Anyway, let’s get back to the main idea of writing this piece…which will come soon if I can only get there fast enough J

 

When I finally arrived at the gates of Prashanthi Nilayam, a peaceful wave hit me… so this is what it feels like to arrive in GOD’s abode…

I couldn’t wait to see Him… but was disappointed to find out that I’ll have to wait till the next day as the darshan for the day is over…

I couldn’t sleep the whole night, excited to finally get this chance to see Him…

We woke up at 4.00am the next day, took our bath, and got dressed and all geared up…

Mum took a small packet of tissue, kept some money with it and our room key…

It occurred to me immediately to ask her what the tissue was for, and all she said was, “You’ll know when you see Him”…

I went like, ya right… I’m sure I’m gonna shed tears in front of a thousand people I don’t know… (cover macho la….)

We attended the nagara sankhirthanam (gosh I hope I’m spelling it correctly)… then we paid our respect to Lord Vinayagar and off to Sai Kulwant Hall to line up…

 

Gosh, talk about crowd, the crowd was massive even at the wee hour… (and in my heart I’m saying, this is more than the thousand I had pictured earlier…)

We stood in line and got our numbers, not bad…23… mum says that’s quite near and I got more excited…

We sat and waited… and waited… and waited…

Suddenly, there was this loud vedic chanting that started and mum say’s, “Here He comes”…

I got panic and all excited…

And then, pin drop silence in the hall (which was a lot noisier earlier)… His car comes in and I saw the most beautiful sight in the whole wide world…

Swami sitting and looking out the window… He looked so serene, so peaceful and filled with energy…

I could actually see a halo over Him and I told myself, this is it…

This is how GOD looks like and it doesn’t differ much from how I imagined an angel will look like…

He went pass the ladies and I saw Him so clearly until I bet myself that he stared back at me and gave me one of His wonderful smiles…

Then, the car went over to the men side and he disappeared into the back room…

As a cold breeze swept by, I felt cold on my cheeks…

I touch my cheeks and it felt so wet, looking at my saree I saw water marks…

I looked at mum, she was crying to, and without a word, she passed me a piece of tissue…

It felt good; a blissful cry will never be the same…

I never realized the tears coming and I guess one is never meant to realize such moments… they come and they go…

 

The whole encounter took maybe 45seconds but it felt a lot longer… as if it was running on slow motion…

I could still play it back like a movie in my memory of a thousand pictures J

 

It’s been two years since my first visit there, and I still can’t find the correct words to describe my feelings and thoughts… and I think in a way, I never got enough of it… for until today, I longed for the day to visit His abode once more…

And I know even that “once” more will never be enough…

I guess one can never get enough at the sight of GOD J

 

It’s these kinds of attachments that one needs to let go and get over with…

Only when these attachments are rid off, can one lead a perfectly happy life…

Easy to say, and a lot easier to write, but not that easy to practice…

 

With that, I shall continue my quest of detachment and lead an ideal life… after all… I’m a Sai Youth – Messenger of Love J